A true life challenge

Warning: This post is long and boring and reeks of emotional baggage! Read at your own risk! :)

So I realized that it's been about 1 year since I first tried to go raw. Naturally I find myself thinking "so what did I learn?". Plenty!!! As a matter of fact, things are getting more and more complicated as I go along. I am still going off and on raw, but I'm trying! Recently I've admitted something to myself that I should have admitted years ago. I am a full blown, food addict! Trying to become raw has truly brought out things that I've tried to stuff in a dark corner of my psyche for years. No, I have never been obese, and yes, I could have a much more destructive relationship with food, but nonetheless I found myself displaying the symptoms of addiction over and over again within the last year. This is one challenge that I'll probably struggle with my whole life, but I am so grateful for what I have learned in regards to my health so far, and I know that the path I'm on will help me achieve freedom from the emotional connection that I have with food. I also know that if I hadn't been prompted to learn about these things that I would only get worse and slide further down the (chocolate covered) mountainside. I think that maybe it's different for everyone, the paths they choose for health, and I think that maybe we gravitate towards the diets that our individual bodies need for optimum health (that is once we've decided to be make healthy choices!). I'm really starting to believe that that no 1 diet is perfect for everyone.

I think the moment I really realized that I had a problem was when one day I was driving home from work, and I just felt like I had to have a chicken sandwich, and fries, and ranch, and a corndog, and some chocolate right now or else I would not be happy for days, and I couldn't stop myself! It was so sad! It was like there was another me inside me making me go to Wendy's when my "real self" was saying "no I don't really want this!" After gorging myself I felt so guilty, more than I ever have about food in my life. I wanted to crawl in a hole and never face myself again, because I felt like such a hypocrite, knowing what I know and still hurting my body with food! I haven't had a moment like that since, but I know that it could still creep up on me if I don't take preemptive measures. I realized that it was easy for me to hide my addictions from even myself, because looking at me no one would probably assume that I have problems with food, so I felt that if it wasn't manifested physically it must not be for real. But now I feel like everything is on the table and I can look at things objectively now, and I can see why I make some of the choices I do. Now I can sort of look in to my self and say "I know why you're doing that, and there is no truly good reason, so stop it!" Austin has helped me a lot too, he stops me from being compulsive and talks me out of my cravings, lol. Actually, I have started to crave really healthy food again. Right now I am seriously craving flax crackers with guacamole, and also bean sprouts big time. Odd!

So I also decided that a major thing that I've been neglecting is exercise. I know it will help me not just to become healthier physically, but also make me happier, less prone to hating myself, and make me feel like I am accomplishing something good. I think that when it boils down to it, any kind of addiction has it's roots in self loathing. I think that we all need to love ourselves more, especially me, because if I truly loved and cared about myself I would do everything it takes to constantly better myself. Does that sound self-centered? Maybe only if we stop caring about everyone but ourselves!

Anyways, for the first time in my life I feel like I have real, realistic goals, and I know what I need to do to achieve them! I've already set myself up on an exercise program, and I've set up my schedule hour by hour for each day so that I can stick with things (and I won't have "no time" as an excuse!). I am starting school back up again this semester, even though it's only 1 class, and I already feel so much better about that. The hardest thing is obviously going to be the food thing, but I know that I'll just take it 1 day at a time, and that's really all I can do. I also have spiritual goals that I'm working on, but that's a different conversation (although directly related)!

So right now for today I am juice feasting beacuse I made bad food choices over the weekend, but I'm really starting to get hungry! Actually it was worse around mid day, I actually feel ok right now. I don't know how people do this for 90 days, even a week seems like it would be torture! Oy! But now that I think about it, I might even be able to continue this juice fast for another day or so, just so I get all the gunk out of my system...it will help me feel like I'm starting anew. Let's see if I can do it :/